Summertime

The wind is blowing, the mixed smell of sunscreen and ocean water fill my nose. I love it. I always have. Summer is when I can let loose and run in the sand and not wear makeup because I'm so tan and it's okay to be natural. Summer is when I am me. That's how it has always been.
As of this afternoon I have taken 14 airplane rides in the glorious year of 2011, tomorrow it will be 15 rides.
I travel a lot, probably more than most people. But traveling is how I get away from everything. I go and I just do. Whether it's transatlantic or just an express flight to California. I get away, and that's what I need. Here, in Arizona, I feel like people look at me as the "girl with a dead mom" people still tip toe around bringing up their mom's in front of me. My favorite is when people forget and say, "your mom" cause my response is, "my mom's dead" the faces I get are priceless. But the fact that Arizona holds this grudge against me, and purposefully makes me miserable, well it's just unfair. I am not the girl with a dead mom, yes I have a mother who passed away, but that doesn't define me, and just because I don't cry about it, doesn't mean it still doesn't kill me everyday. It hurts. It hurts more than I can imagine. I hate it. I hate the heartless person I have become. I can't even say I love you to the people that need to hear it the most.
I know I'm not ideal. But I'm not horrible, I'm not intentionally hurtful, it's merely a defense mechanism.
School starts in a month. And that scares me more than anything. I don't want to go. I want to go back to Paris. OH! I went to London and Paris! My dad took me as a graduation present. I had planned this trip with my mom when I was like 7 and I watched Parent Trap, the parents met on the Q2, and my mom told me that her mom took her on the Q2 for her graduation present, so my mom said she would take me. Little change of plans, so my dad took me. it was great and wonderful, and we saw Les Miserable and Billy Elliot and everything wonderful a to see in Paris we saw. I fell in love with Paris, that's where I want to be.
As for all those boys, they're dumb.
Hope summer is treating everyone nicely! Wear that sunscreen!

I've had a lot to say lately.

People think I have a lot of chutzpa, that im really ballsy, that id be willing to stand up in a room filled with people and yell PIRI LANES!! But here's the thing, im just as cowardly as the lion. There are so many things I want to do, and that I want to say I just don't know how. After the fact I think of a really fabulous way to have done something, or said something. I wish I was willing to speak my mind. I wish I could tell someone something and have 100% certainty that they feel the same way, otherwise id look like an idiot. I just don't know what to do right now, I wish I had my mothers perspective with me sometimes. Well here's the deal, I'm not willing to be hurt again, so either I need to grow a pair and say something, or you need to remove your tampon and come be the knight in shining armor that I always thought you were.

Happy Sunday!

There are no facts, just interpretations.

While sitting in philosophy class I looked around the room to see all the different faces of the kids that I've known for what feels like forever. It hits me that I will be done with high school in 15 school days. Where did the time go? I thought back to 1st grade with mrs. Franklin, that woman had the worst coffee breath but she taught me how to write in cursive. I thought about 2nd grade with mrs. B, that year we had a 6.5 earthquake, I learned what to do in an earthquake from mrs. McGrath, we were to crouch under the desks, I was asking her how to spell the word cousin when the earthquake hit. 3rd grade I started at a new school, we moved to Arizona and everything changed, I had miss. Newcombe, she was basically blind but knew sign language, that was when I learned to sign. 4th-6th grade I was with Mrs. Maegan and Ms. Roxanne I loved those years, I thought I was the shit too, with my blue eyeshadow and everything. Those were the years that I learned how to be Piri. 7th grade I had ms. Jennifer and mr. Abe. That was something else. We went to Catalina Island and I became a woman haha... Then I changed schools and my life at Foothills Academy began!
I've learned a lot at Foothills, I have made a lot of friends I have experienced A LOT of things, I have had many experiences. I dealt with a lot I didn't have an easy high school experience, I got into a bit of trouble but my wonderful support system helped me through so much.
In the past 12 years I have changed so much, I have grown in ways I didn't know were possible, I have made friends that will last a lifetime, and I won prom queen. I think high school was the greatest time of my life.
I don't know what else to say. I handled a few issues this week, I had an actual talk, about feelings and whatnot with The Boy or whatever he is, he told me about what was going on at home and that rarely happens so it was a really nice thing for me to feel like I could help him. And I told him my house is always open for him. Other than that I really don't know.

Blah blah blah, throw some glitter make it rain.
Ha! Ha!
Piri

I didn't even shed one tear

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I didn't even notice, it felt like any other Sunday. I mean, I don't know. I didn't allow myself the ability to notice. I slept and was with the family, we didn't talk about it. We never talk about it.

I am home safe and sound from a week in paradise. So not telling that, that child, that I was going to Costa Rica was not good. He was really mad. And I guess he had a right to be, someone who I had talked to everyday for 3 years, and have known for 6 years should deserve to know that I was leaving the country, but still, to be blatantly rude to me was just over the line. I think.

And while in Costa Rica I got into a fight that got me thinking, I did a lot of thinking. Someone said something to me about how I need to get over the death of my mother. That struck me hard and deep. I got up and walked away, I wasn't willing to have that conversation. I wasn't willing to even think about it in general on my own, so the fact that someone said it to me almost hurt. I still don't know how to feel about it. I don't feel like I will ever get over it, I may learn how to live with it, but to get over something like that, I would really have to be heartless.

Well there are only a few days left in my high school career, and that is so scary. I will be attending U of A in the fall and then if I get the grades required Northeastern will give my a spot as a sophomore for fall 2012. I can do it. I can get the grades, I'll do the work, I'll be in Boston in no time.

I don't know if I should put this on here because I am not sure of who reads this but why not, hell you only once. There is this boy, and I can't explain I share, I tell him things, and I don't do that often. Some of the people who probably feel like they know me really well don't. I have difficulties telling people things, well serious things, because I don't want it to seem like I am this big screw up who hasn't handled any of the issues I should have handled. I don't cry, and I especially don't cry in front of people, I may have the occasional breakdown in front of people but that's only because my breakdowns are pretty comical. But I tell him things, and for some crazy reason I am okay with it. I don't regret it afterwards. And I always fear that if people see the real Piri Lanes than that will push them away, and being by myself doesn't scare me, but being alone does.

Well I don't know. I think I should probably finish unpacking and fold my laundry, and stop thinking about everything. BLAH!

Okay. That's all.

Happy belated mother's day to all the wonderful beautiful fabulous inspirational women in my life.
Much love and happiness- Piri

Where to begin. Well this week I have been in beautiful Costa Rica. I am right now sitting at the bar on Jaco Beach. It's beautiful. The day before I left for Costa Rica my dad witnessed an 18 year old girl run a red light and collided with an oncoming car. He helped her out of the car and stayed with her until the paramedics came. He then called me and said all he could think of was that happening to me and how he would want someone to stay with me. In my crazy Friday afternoon trying to get everything handled for my 5 AM flight to Costa Rica Saturday morning, that onset of emotion shook me. I cried. In my car and alone so no one could see, but I still cried. Ironically enough I had just finished a conversation about how I don't like crying, and how it makes me feel weak, but there I was crying my eyes out.

I didn't tell many people I was going to Costa RIca so a few days in I got a facebook message from, I don't even know what he is to me anymore, he thought my phone was broken. I hadn't said anything about leaving because I didn't feel I needed to let anyone know, I knew where I was going to be. I have to work on that. Maybe I will.

It's funny how people make you feel, I don't tell people many things, I keep most of it to myself, I just let the world think that they know me, I don't know why I do it. But lately I've begun to share, and it scares me so much. Not with everyone, just this one person, and that scares me. I'm not sure what it is, but I have been trying to be better about sharing.

Well that is all.

xoxo

And then i smiled.

Well, what a week! One of my very best friends that I have known since I was 12 came to visit last Thursday, and not just to visit, to take me to my senior prom which he had promised to do when I was 12. Some of you may know this boy, I have written about him before, he causes a hell of a lot of trouble in my life, but he is one of my very best friends. My fabulous father let him stay at our house and that was great, we had a lot of catching up to do, so I barely got any sleep this entire weekend. Prom was on saturday, and I looked beautiful. I had lost 7 pounds for the occasion. Everyone got to meet The Boy, including my aunt and cousin, and grandparents, plus all of my friends. I hadn't seen him in so long, but it was as if no time had passed us, we somehow stick together. He drove from Colorado, which was a 15 hour drive, I don't think I could do that for anyone. It really meant a lot to me, and I had the most fabulous time with him.

He left Sunday morning, and Sunday night I had one of those weird nightmare things that I hadn't had since my mom died. It was very weird, I don't know why. I didn't like it. Well obviously. But prom was truly amazing, I had a great time, this weekend I go to California, and next week I leave for Costa Rica, I am almost done with High School, that is very weird.

Have a fabulous week, and keep it classy!

-Piri

Here's the thing...

Yesterday when I posted I didn't say everything I needed to say.

That stupid boy, well knew me before I was "that girl with a sick mom" and then when she died, he didn't treat me as "that girl whose mom just died of cancer" he treated me like the Piri he knew before everything happened. And when my mom did die, and I shut everything out, he didn't budge, he stayed, he didn't tip toe around my feelings and try to soften the blow, he was straight with me, he would say, "yeah this sucks" and it did, it was the worst time in my life. But when I talk to him, when I see his face and I get to laugh, I am the happiest person ever, I'm kind and loving, and for those next few days I wear a smile that nothing can match. He is my best friend, and the thought of him not being in my life scares me. He's the only person who still knows me since before my mom got sick, that has to stand for something. I know it sounds high school, and it is, but he makes me happy. He is one of the people I want to know for my whole life. I just wish I could have my mom here to talk all this out with, I wish I had the courage to tell him all of this, and above all, I hope and pray that one day I'll be able to say how I feel to everyone, and not worry that what I say will ruin everything. People think I'm strong and able to fight, but that wall is starting to crumble really fast, and it scares to even think about what is going to happen when it completely crashes.

Thanks.

What Have I Gotten Myself Into.

There is a saying that goes, "Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about." There is also a saying that says, "Don't cry over someone who wouldn't cry over you."
It's all so high school, so juvenile. I am disgusted by my high school thought process. I sit around pulling my hair out over the stupidest shit I could possibly imagine. It's times like these, days like today, that I just wish I could go and talk with my mother, she knew it all. Prom is in a few weeks, 58 days to be exact. That stupid boy is actually planning on driving out for it. If that actually happens I will be so shocked that I think I will actually pass out. It's not that I don't have faith, it's just that promises are merely words, anyone can say anything, it doesn't have to be a true statement.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE! Danielle & Phil are coming to visit! I think that is the most exciting news of the year! Danielle will finally be able to fully meet The Boy, which I have to say is pretty exciting. The Lanes family switched to Verizon so now we all have Droids, basically I just sit there and stare at mine cause I have no idea how in the world to work it. And as Nikki so kindly put, my phone is smarter than I am.

Hope everyone had a fabulous Valentines Day!
Keep it classy Scottsdale,
xoxo

I just like knowing the ending...

Well it's 2011! For a few days into the new year I said I was going to be a hippie, that lasted a dreadlock and a few days. I love free will ways, but I also love my Coach purse (which my wonderful father surprised me with in NYC). Speaking on NYC I just got home on Sunday from Grandma's 80th Birthday Bash! we had a lot of fun, I really enjoyed seeing all my wonderful cousins.
I have 128 days until graduation. I am very nervous to say the least, Northeastern University is my dream, and even though I was deferred to regular decision, I'm not giving up.
Prom is basically ready, I have my dress and I've begone the appointments. As upperclassmen the senior and junior classes are going to Costa Rica so thats exciting...what else what else?
OH! We are probably getting a new puppy and that is very exciting.
Well I suppose I have stalled long enough...
I got some tough information at the beginning of this year, I'm still not sure how I am taking it, but it is really difficult losing trust in someone who means so much to you. There are always people in your life that you just assume are telling you the truth, and will always tell you the truth, and when you find out there have been multiple lies, it hurts. A lot. I have fully recognized that I have not dealt with my mother's death, I have barely touched on it. I see her face all over, I don't actually think she's dead. If she were here though she would make my life a whole lot easier, she was definitely one of my very best friends, and I miss her more everyday because there are so many things I want to talk to her about, she would cushion the blow for when I'd talk to dad. But life is life, I've had to grow up a lot in the past few years, I had one great semester of high school, I made great grades, and I worked hard, I'm proud. There are so many things that I wanted to say, I just can't remember them now. I know, that no matter what, I am wonderful, no matter how fat I am haha.
Speaking of being fat, I am going to the gym very often, I am determined to lose 20 pounds before prom. Who knows how well that will go. There is a lot I don't know, and I am not afraid to say that, I just wish I was able to know the ending. I think that's why I like re-watching movies, I like to know the ending.
Well I think that is it for today, hope every one is having a phenomenal 2011!
xoxo
Piri