College, ugh.

I'm unsure about how I approach difficulties. I sometimes run, hide, cry, it just depends on the day. But when someone says "Piri, I need you to cancel all your plans because I need your help" I stop and help, it's not a difficulty it's just something I need to do. Lots of times in my life I have been thrown a curve ball, ya I try and catch it, but I never do, it skims my shoulder, hits me in the face, gets me I'm the stomach and knocks me out. It just depends on the day. I have weeks where it literally just feels like I am constantly being attacked my 100mph fast balls, but no one ever knows. I wonder, don't they see me, losing my breath, unable to take the next step, the bruises forming on my body, and yet no one does. I hide it well. I always have. It comes with the territory of knowing how to act. I know how to put on make up so well that I could have just been crying so hard snot was rolling down my face, and no one would know. You may say you would, but I've covered it up many times before. I try not to be upset my the fact no one notices, but really I should be proud, I can cover it up. I stress about the little things now, like what pencil am I going to use today, what drink will I take for lunch. I've given up the large things, my bedroom, my car, my life kinda, it's not worth the fight. And lately when those assholes just piss me off, all I can do is scream. I'm not sure what the next six months looks like. But we will sure as hell find out. But I guess that's the point, every difficulty every obstacle is different. You need to know how to handle that one, specifically.

As if you need it in writing.

Well I just returned home from Camp Swift and I am getting ready to begin my senior year of high school.

Camp Swift was such an experience!
Basically, I got married, renewed my vows, got a bug stuck in my ear, and, oh yeah, cried a bunch. As Rachel said, "I could have flooded all the places that are in a drought."

This summer was good, well it was wonderful. I got to go to Panama, I got to see my wonderful amazing family, and I got to go be the biggest role model in a kids life. It was a great summer.

East coast was fun, it was so nice having Aliya and Sam there. No one was really sure they were going to make it, so when they did arrive, it was wonderful. Then going on all those college tours, well that was sort of stressful. I like the idea of college, and living on my own, but it scares me so badly to think about leaving home, because if I leave, what will happen to my place here?

College is my newest stress. I swear I am going to have an ever present cold sore for the entire semester! But I'm getting there. It's just really stressful.

Daddy and I went shopping and that was very nice, there was no stress. But now school starts on Monday and I still haven't taken me and Tyler to the uniform school. So that is also a new stress.

I am taking the ACT again on the 11th and I feel like that is a slightly bad omen, but it is necessary.
Well I will update soon, promise.

Keep it classy
-Piri

Can we pretend that airplanes and shooting stars...

I don't like airplanes, or really any moving device that I'm not in control of. But I love traveling. The thrill of leaving everything I have for just a few weeks. I've never been good at explaining my infatuation with travel, it's been like this for as long as I can remember. When I was younger and airplane security wasn't so strict, I used to go up to the cockpit and talk to the pilots, they were always so nice to me and I loved being there, it made me feel superior. As of right now I am on flight 1007 nonstop to Arizona from Miami, I'm on my way home from my two week internship with UNICEF in Panama City. I had such a wonderful experience, I grew so much, I saw that no matter where I go, if I don't feel and take in where I am, it won't make a difference in my life. One of the things I did there was going to the Ancient City with Debora and her husband Giovanni (who taught me how to cook) the Ancient City was the most beautiful place I've seen. It amazed me to think that sooo many years ago, before my great great grandparents were even ideas, there were people, 17 year old girls, dealing with stupid boys, stupid rules and probably stupid lessons. No matter how long this world has spun there has always been someone in a somewhat similar situation to mine. As for everything else in my life? Well I got my ACT score back, father dearest was extremely proud, but I think I could have done better, except on the test day I made a bet with whoever was listening to me in my head and the deal was if I got 24 or above I wouldn't take it again, so now I am stuck at a crossroad. I really don't like breaking the agreements I make with myself or whoever it is that listens. But The Boy you ask, well I think I'm going to take a little break from that, it's stressful enough dating in the same zip code, I have no idea why I decided a different state would be any better, and I think until I figure everything out, I'm going to put our friendship on hold too. I know I cause issues for my father, and I know I make things difficult by lashing out at him when it's really myself I'm mad at, but someone once said that you aren't afraid to hurt the ones you love, because they'll always love you, no matter what. And I think that goes for my father as well, when I spend too much, or say thank you too little, or even forget to make my bed, he will always love me, and even when he is upset with me for everything, and just "raises his voice" I will always love him too. Aw how sweet, I just got teary eyed. Well that's all for now, the plane is landing and I have to turn off all my electronic devices.
Hope summer is treating you well! Don't forget your sunscreen. Lobster pink looks attractive on no one.
-Piri

What's going down in Guatemala

I just had a very interesting talk with the woman I'm staying with. We discussed the child trafficking in Guatemala, it was truly repulsive hearing that these people steal children from their homes, and from mothers' belly's and then sell them into adoption. There are lawyers and many people behind it so it cannot be stopped, hospitals are corrupt and the people behind this as well as the government are too.

So let's start brainstorming and figure out a way to end this. Any ideas?

Panama

I am sitting in the directors office of UNICEF- Tacro! this is such an experience, the humidity is totally killing me, but i am having a wonderful time.

watch the panama diaries on facebook!

Keeping it classy.

I know, I know I have been neglecting my computer lately. I am sorry but I am now done with the ACT and junior year, I am officially a senior!

Well, let me catch you all up. I had my credit card taken away because i spent WAY too much, daddy was not happy. I got a speeding ticket, and into a fender bender. But all is good, everyone is alive, and no one is hurt.

My summer trips start the 25, I go to Panama City for a 2-week internship with UNICEF. I am very excited. It will be nice to really change my surroundings and meet new people, try new things, you know, just Piri it up :)

What else what else? Um I have a lot of decisions to make, and sadly they are only decisions I can make, so I am slightly stressing about that.

Other then all that I am totally stoked to go back east and see my wonderful family! I miss them more than words can describe!

xoxo

I am in the end of this article. They interviewed me for the show.

http://www.azcentral.com/community/scottsdale/articles/2010/04/26/20100426sr-musical0424.html

Where did all the time go?

I know that it is rude to change plans, an I am aware it is not liked when you just decided not to let the other person know you changed the plan. Though lately, and by lately I mean since August 14, 2009, I haven't wanted to report back, or alert people, mainly my father, when I have changed my plans. I have always been free spirited, but it has recently gotten much worse. I feel that I am my own person, so I shouldn't have to report back to anyone. It's a horrible things, an I don't know how to fix it.

On a separate note, junior prom 2010 was last night, very fun. We all got ready at my house, then went to Kelsey's to take pictures and the white stretch Escalade 30 seater limo picked us up. We had a great night, an I am 100% positive I would go crazy without these girls.

Happy almost summer :)

I wont give it a title because it doesn't belong to me nor do i belong to it.

There is just this ever present annoyance that lingers over my head ready to strike at any given time.

I can't do anything without, at some point, wanting to rip someone's head off.

So I went and visited mom today, it was closing time so the guy kept circling around until I walked back to my car and left, that annoyed me. Then I was happily taking a bath and then was called in for dinner, so that annoyed me, I am just all around annoyed. UGH!

Well father dearest booked my flight for Panama so I am happy about that, but I signed up for the SAT's again an I am totally stressing about that, considering the SAT day is the Saturday of my show...so we shall see how that goes.

Prom is next weekend, and Spring Kallah is this weekend, so I am very ready for those two things, even though prom is stressful, I still have no idea what dress I am wearing, so that's a pain. But I am very excited to see David Strauss who I love dearly.
Well I am in an odd mood an I don't feel like writing anymore, so adios!

Steve.

The thingy on my head is gone! we named it Steve, it was gross. Babs, the wonderful nurse, gave me a bajillion shots into my head so the actual procedure didn't hurt, but those shots sucked! Uncle Jeff and Daddy were great. They made sure I took slow even breaths, even though I really wish mom had been there, they did a good job. Plus Dr. Patel was so good he didn't even have to shave my head!

So in case you haven't heard, me and my best guy friend are gonna go to prom. It'll be so fun. I won't dress about looking ridiculously good, and since he's my bestie, he won't try to feel me up.

I am right now sitting in the airport getting ready to board my flight to go see my amazing godmother/aunt/rafiki, KATHE! and her wonderful children. I wish my aunt Traci was going to be there, but she is with her grandmother Muz, and I am sending her all the love and energy I have. So in going to see my aunt Kathe there is one thing I am slightly worried about. Kathe has some of mom's ashes...I am worried I'll be creeped out by them.

Well my flight is boarding, hope everyone wears something green today!

Some of my favorite quotes

"anyone can give up, its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart, now that's true strength"

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross."

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”

“If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.”

“Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave.”

"in a world where you can be anything, be yourself"

"I wish my mom would have told me the same thing about guys as she did about horror movies... don't worry, they're all fake."

"All men are created equal. No matter how hard you try, you can never erase those words." Harvey Milk

"I believe in pink, and I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and i believe in miracles." -Audrey Hepburn

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think,all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read,and all the friends I want to see." John Burroughs

Birthday!

Today my baby brother turned 11. I remember the day he was born so clearly. My aunt Kathe was in for his birth. His due date was March 11th, but since Tyler and I were born on full moons, Kathe decided Jackson would be born on the 3rd and she would leave the 11th. And since Kathe willed it, it happened, he was born underwater at the birthing center in Seattle, Washington. I know mom would have loved to be here, but she made it to his 10th, so she got to see the double digits.

So today after school I went to the gym. I weighed my self after my work out and I was utterly disgusted with the number. I will not say what it was because it is just to horrible to write down, it made me cringe. I now plan to follow a strict diet, of sleep, healthy eating, and exercise.

Here's how I am towards The Boy, "No matter how many times I get hurt because of you, I won't leave you. Because even if I have 100 reasons to leave you, I'll look for that 1 reason to fight for you."
This pretty much sums it up to a T. He can be the biggest ass to me, and I'll still keep him around, and it's because he is my familiar face that brightens my day and makes me smile. I hate it. I hate what he does to me. I'm really hating a lot of things lately.

I knit. I think I am becoming a bitter old lady.

Go clean something. Just kidding.

Forever?

Footsteps pounding, heartbeat racing, fear rising

You hear the voice that is said to do you no harm

you ask the question you already know the answer to, "Did she make it?" With a quick tear the voice says no

You can't cry, you can't even breathe. all you're able to do is stare. Stare into the nothingness that was once your everything.

Eventually the tears release, one by one they fall. With each tear apart of you leaves. The realization occurs. She is gone.

The phone calls begin, the doorbell is a constant back round noise. The hustle and bustle of people are no longer important, because the only footsteps you want to hear are gone.

The crowd begins to assemble. You preform the greatest mitzvah, the greatest good deed. Bury the dead. You slowly shovel 1, 2, 3 scoops of dirt onto the box of ashes that was once the person that gave you life. Your mother.

Piri Lanes 2/23/2010

Eloise

For those of you who don't know, my first car was a white Ford Explorer that we named Bruce. Bruce is very old and yesterday we sold him, well traded him in. We swapped him out for a black Honda Fit that we just named Eloise. She is perfect, she is small like me, and she is just wonderful. But I do miss Bruce, I cried when I gave over the keys.

On a separate note, my mothers sisters are planning a vacation for us girls. I am going to be careful how I word this because they read this.
Lately I have been having a hard time, for no reason in particular, but I am finding it hard for me to want to be apart of this trip, when I know this was something my mother always wanted us to do. I would have a wonderful time and I do not doubt that, but I would not like being there without her, and I am trying to figure out how to be apart of it, because I want to be. I want to be apart of her side, I want to have that connection, but I see her in them, and it makes it hard for me to be there. I do love them all with my entire heart, but I am unsure about everything right now...

New topic? OK! Well The Boy is The Boy, it is so unnerving to talk to him, I just want to yell at him most of the time. I don't I act like a perfect lady. But one of my friends from school, Kelsey, is trying to come out here and surprise me for my birthday. I know it doesn't sound like much of a surprise when I know about it, but it won't happen, so if it does it will be a HUGE surprise.

I love my aunts, I love my cousins, I love my entire family.

xoxo
Piri

Seriously?

It is another Wednesday afternoon at the Lanes house. Tyler is at piano, Jackson is at Hebrew school, Dad is with Natalie, and I just got home from tutoring.

Yesterday I had vocal rehearsal, the voice teacher Satyam, sells jewelry. I found a beautiful bracelet that I fell in love with. I bought it and the quote on it says, "When you see only one set of footprints, it was then I carried you." This is a bible quote, I'm Jewish, but I love it anyway! Valentines day was the six month mark for mom being gone. Last night I had a dream that she met The Boy, it was really nice.

I have a birthmark on my head that isn't causing to much panic to the doctors, but I am having it removed, I will be sedated and getting, I believe 18 or so stitches. They are shaving part of my head, and I will have a crescent moon shaped scar (I'm kind of excited for it).

Well I must go work on the history packet, I will drop in later to fully elaborate on my life!

xoxo
Piri

Gonna Live and Die N-F-T-Y

A journey of 1,000 miles begins with the first step. I will never get over the death of my mother, but i will learn to cope and breathe without her here. This past weekend I went on a youth group retreat, it was the most fun I've had in a long time. Yes there were a few times where I cried, but my wonderful friends just held me and let me cry, they knew it was cleansing. I have become back in contact with the boy, and I'm not sure how I feel about it, he acts as if all is good, and it worries me. What if the situation were reversed an I was the girlfriend, I keep thinking about it like that. If I were stronger I would call him out on it and end it right here, but the truth is, he is a familiar face, a face that has caused me pain, but also a lot of joy and laughter. I'm scared to lose him. My NFTY weekend was amazing, I had a blast. I hung out with my greatest friends, I had a really good time. It was hard packing up and leaving, and coming back to reality where everything sucks, but it wasn't as bad as I had expected. I assumed I would fight with dad about going to school this morning, but I didn't, I just got up and did what I needed to do. There are little things through out my day which remind me of my childhood, which in turn reminds me of mom. For instance today I crunched on dry leaves outside school, and it made me remember the fall afternoons with mom, and really made me miss her, but I hope that wherever she is, she isn't in pain, and she knows that we miss her dearly.

Forgetfulness is my middle name. not really.

Well I am fully aware that I have not posted in a few weeks. Let me catch you up, everything has become stressful. I took my SAT's, I NEED to clean my room, I dyed my hair, I got a gym membership, I have three solo's in the show Treasure Island, and I haven't spoken to the boy in 2 or so weeks. But I must admit I do sometimes facebook stalk him. I went to an acupuncturist and she was very nice. So Valentines Day is just around the corner, what's everyone's plans? My friend Rachel is a planning a not valentines day party. Hope everyone has a good week, and I will be back with a more in depth overview very soon. xoxo

Haiti

Just a side note, I am very worried about the people of Haiti, so please everyone try and donate something. Every penny helps. you can call The Red Cross and donate over the phone, the number is 1-800-RED-CROSS. Thank you

Hot Chocolate and Snow Angels

If I lived somewhere other than Arizona I would be playing in the snow right now, but instead I'm getting soaked running to my car from wherever I am. I like the rain, don't get me wrong, but it's always nice to see snow. Snow just has this beauty that I'm drawn to. I wish I was in the snow, without a care in the world frolicking around like a little child, but I'm not a little child, I must wake up and go to school. On the subject of school, I hate it. I love the people, the teachers, the drama, all of it, but I HATE school, the act of going and learning just doesn't work for me, and don't get me started about how wrong I think it is that they can grade us on our ability to learn, I think that's just simply inhumane. As for the boy, I don't know. Last night Rachel and I went out to dinner and all we did was sit there and vent about boys for an hour, and when either of our phones rang we both jumped and hoped, or prayed that it would be him. See she wears her heart on her sleeve so I know how to handle her, but me, I'm just a mess up, I have walls for a reason, I choose to keep people out, it makes things easier, less to explain. Well to end this on a happy note, I have an audition today. I'm going to get back into the acting gig, I love it so much. Have a happy, healthy day. Piri

Just Watch Me.

Sitting there in history explaining to Lynda that I was going to take a boy hiatus, my phone buzzes. I look at it and it's a number I don't recognize, but I did recognize the area code. As I push view text, my heart was pounding, as the message loaded all these different thoughts and images raced through my head, the message loaded and it was three texts long, it was the apology and explanation I had been waiting for. As I sat there reading it over and over and over again, I couldn't bring myself to say I forgive you, I knew I should, I got what I wanted the apology and the reasoning, but I was still hurt. I waited a little while I composed myself and finally responded by saying, "Ok. So what's up?" I should have explained that I was still hurt, but I didn't want to go into that yet, I mean we hadn't spoken in two weeks. We had that basic conversation, I didn't want to ask about the other girl, and he didn't want to ask how I was holding up. He eventually did and I said I was just fine. I didn't ask about her. As I was laying in bed that night all I could think about was what had happened, and then it hit me, like a cinder block smashing on my head, nothing had happened, it had always been like this, just it was more obvious now than before, I had always been geographically undesirable because there was 900 miles between us! So I sat up and I declared that I wouldn't let this effect me anymore, I will still take my boy hiatus, and spend this wonderful long weekend with my loving aunt Deborah. Then this morning I woke up feeling better then I had in weeks, I still had a slight stomach ache, but that was cause I had a little bug. I felt wonderful, I got up and dressed, went to school had a good day, and then the group of us went out for lunch. I walked into Pei Wei feeling like nothing could hurt me anymore and then I looked around to see for open tables, and sitting there looking right back at me was the boy who I haven't spoken to since June, which was also the last time I saw him. He was the one who made me the horrible bitch I am. So obviously when I saw him I felt like throwing up, I thought I was going to puke all over the floor in Pei Wei, thankfully I was able to walk to my table, sit down, and avoid eye contact for the next 20 minutes. It was horrible. So now as I sit in my room looking at this horrible mess, knowing that it all has to be cleaned if I want to get onto my 4:20 pm flight to San Diego, I must go. So hope everyone has a great long weekend.
xoxo

It's like all 50 states are lined up one by one

While on the phone with my aunt today, I told her it was as if all 50 states were lined up one by one making it very hard to see each other. I try to talk to my aunts at least once a week, if that is through text, or phone call, or even facebook, I don't want the distance to keep us apart. I'm not sure what everything looks like right now, I have good days and bad days, I have good weeks and bad weeks, and sometimes I just need a break. I'm learning how to express my needs by saying what I need and not just getting upset when no one understands that I just need to be left alone. Hope this week brings wonderful new exciting experiences.

The Quote

"Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't."

I know understand why mother isn't here. Her work was complete. She touched the lives of many, changed the way people looked at things, and helped anyone she could. While in the hospital fighting for her own life, she made note cards, to brighten the day of other patients lives. She was a wonderful woman, and I miss her dearly. So mom, wherever you are, if you can see this, I love you so very much, and I'm sorry I didn't say it more often. I love you.

I survived swine '09

And 2010 has started off with a bang! Only three days back into school, and I have way too much homework, way too much stress, and way too many people I'm dealing with. I'm learning that I don't have to please everyone, but pleasing some is always beneficial. I'm getting back into the acting gig, I have an audition next week. And the SAT's. Crap. Those are going to be at 7"45 am, if I don't fail cause I didn't know the information, I'll fail cause it was just way to early to be having tests.

In life you have to try new things, so today I tried walking with my show laces tied together. So as you can imagine I looked like an idiot, and it didn't work. But I tried, and that was the point. What did you try today?

Hope everyone is having a great year, and everything is coming along nicely. Much love to my east coast family who I miss dearly.

Getting back into the swing of things

School is a six letter word for hell. As much as I love my teachers and friends, I absolutely despise the fact that I have to be graded on my knowledge. I do not think it's fair. I may not have the brains of a five year old, but I for sure don't have the brains of Albert Einstein. I do try, but it's hard to see that I try because I just fail at school. I ace the homework and presentations, but when it comes to the tests, oy, I'm a basket case. The only up side to school is the fact that I can sit around and hang with my friends and take my anger out on Alan. I went to a dinner meeting tonight for the Phoenix Theater and it was absolutely fantastic, I loved it. I think I am going to pick up acting again, I do miss it. Well until later. Arrivederci!

Life is like...

Sudoku. Everything works in the end, but it takes a few try's to get there. Today we went horseback riding, I had a blast. All I did was breathe and clear my head, it was wonderful. There are so many things I want to do with my life, that I'm starting to worry I wont be able to do any of them because there wont be enough time. I think I am going to try and talk dad into letting me do a six week summer program abroad, but I'm not sure. As for the boy, I'm figuring it out. I have the support of my wonderful family, and the constant encouragement from my cousin Danielle. I have been living in Arizona for 8 years now, that doesn't work for me. I need to move along. There are so many places I want to see that if I stay in one place for too long, I'll eventually lose the chance. It may sound like I am running away from things, but in reality I'm not. I just like change, it keeps things interesting. And for those of you who don't know me, I love when things are interesting. That's why I draw dinosaurs on my wall, and fish on my mirror. So go find your interesting thing and go for it!

The Saturday after

They say you are supposed to make each moment last, don't take anything for granted, and live like there's no tomorrow. Well I usually live my life like this, but lately I have been wondering if that really is the best idea. Take for example telling someone you are extremely mad at them, well it feels good in that second, but then the next day when you don't talk, it REALLY hurts. I don't think before i do things. If I'm mad at someone I tell them, but then I am disappointed or hurt when we don't talk the next day. It is a very interesting problem, because not living in the moment means I'll wait around, but living in the moment means sometimes I'll regret what I just did. I wonder if I will figure it out eventually.

And then there were none

As the cars start to pull away, and the folding chairs start closing, you know it's done. The family has all left, and the house is to quite. The Happy New Year's texts and Facebook messages have slowed and the new year has begone. I am spending today cleaning my room, because I would rather not start the year messy. I'm not sure what this year looks like for me. I plan on making it special, I will make it a point to just go, to not hold back, to make each day count. Cause really, what other way is there to live? As someone said, "Shoot for the moon, cause even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." Have a happy healthy safe wonderful 2010.