Thursday, December 31, 2009
A New Beginning
The one thing I truly love about New Year's it that you can start new. A clean palate, a new leaf. New Year's is when I make my list of things I want to do for the upcoming year, my New Year's resolution if you will. The family has been in this week and as much as I love them, they do drive me up the wall sometimes. It is nice having everyone around, it's a very different having 12 people in the house rather than 4, but I do enjoy it. I hope everyone has a happy healthy New Year.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Something New
There is something inside of me that always craves change. I don't know what it is, but it's there. I make it a point to not keep something the same for very long, whether it's my style, my hair, my room, or even my purse, I make sure I change something. Some might call it boredom, or even ADD, but I'm pretty sure it's just me. I just cut my bangs, so now they are short and different. I'm not sure if I like them, but they are going to be there for the next 8 weeks until they grow out. I use friends and family as a support system, and sometimes my support system doesn't show through. I was expecting a text from someone today, and it never came, I am very upset about it, but obviously it just shows that he wasn't actually worth it. So now I have a question for whoever it is who reads this. What do you change in your life? Because even though a routine is healthy, it is very boring, so what are you doing to change it up?
The Morning of
God forbid I ever get cancer, that's when I'll shave my head. Sitting around the breakfast table with; Grandma, Grandpa, 2 Aunts, and a cousin, we were discussing one of my aunts new ideas, she wants to cut her hair off. I strongly disagree, I love it the way it is, and Grandpa looks at me and says, "Why don't you do a style like your fathers?" (he's bald) I very bluntly said, if I get cancer, that's when I will. Mom's tombstone unveiling is this morning, it's in 25 minutes. I'm not so much dreading it, as just wanting it to be over. I love having company and family around, but it sometimes gives me a horrible headache, sometimes it's just to many voices. Thinking about all the things that I need to get done; clean the room, clean the bathroom, do my laundry, fold my laundry, the list just starts to add up, and all that bitchy agitation gets worse and worse. I'm figuring it out though. Last night me and the cousin had a wonderful talk, she said putting up walls really helps no one, it just makes me worse. So I'm taking that into consideration for the next time i want to bite someone's head off. Now I must put on that last swipe of mascara before I leave. So have a wonderful day, and remember to breathe.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Trying
December 9, 2009
Yesterday I went to the therapist. I was getting better but lately I've been going back down the path of jut being tired, not wanting to get up in the morning, not wanting to go to sleep at night, not wanting to eat, basically grieving. I have that one bright spot in my life that has kept me from driving off the road, but I don't want to depend on someone to keep me from hurting myself, I just want to be ok. I want a bereavement leave, I just want to take two weeks off of school, forget the stress of chemistry and Spanish, and just relax. Refind my footing, breathe a little easier and just slowly patch up my the holes in my body. How come kids don't get a bereavment leave? My dad makes me get up every morning and go to school, it's not fair that he got "as much time as he needed off of work" an I have to go to school everyday. School makes me worse. I'm stressed here, there are too many things I'm trying to handle, because I feel like I have to make sure everyones ok, even though I'm the baby of the group, I have to make sure everyone else is ok, I love having us all eat lunch together and making everyone sandwhiches so we can ave a picnic. An I try to do everything, if I'm one step ahead of everyone, nothing bad can happen to me. I guess that's not true.
Yesterday I went to the therapist. I was getting better but lately I've been going back down the path of jut being tired, not wanting to get up in the morning, not wanting to go to sleep at night, not wanting to eat, basically grieving. I have that one bright spot in my life that has kept me from driving off the road, but I don't want to depend on someone to keep me from hurting myself, I just want to be ok. I want a bereavement leave, I just want to take two weeks off of school, forget the stress of chemistry and Spanish, and just relax. Refind my footing, breathe a little easier and just slowly patch up my the holes in my body. How come kids don't get a bereavment leave? My dad makes me get up every morning and go to school, it's not fair that he got "as much time as he needed off of work" an I have to go to school everyday. School makes me worse. I'm stressed here, there are too many things I'm trying to handle, because I feel like I have to make sure everyones ok, even though I'm the baby of the group, I have to make sure everyone else is ok, I love having us all eat lunch together and making everyone sandwhiches so we can ave a picnic. An I try to do everything, if I'm one step ahead of everyone, nothing bad can happen to me. I guess that's not true.
The Project
December 29, 2009
We just watched Julie & Julia, and it makes me realize I really need a project, and as much as I would like it, a boy is not a workable project. So my project is still undecided but it's something that will become. My mother's tombstone unveiling is tomorrow and I am dreading it completely. I am sure there will be people there who are going to ask me lots of questions, and frankly I just don't do well with those questions. The boy that was helping a lot has somewhat disappeared, and I feel bad saying it, but it's true, he has. We discussed it, but there is just a few speed bumps right now, so we are working on it. New Year's Eve will be interesting, I will be bringing my older cousin, and my two younger cousins to be with me to a party. The Support Group, as always, bothers me. I know it's supposed to be helpful, but all it does is agitate me, which helps nothing. In the uproar of anger that I was in the other day, I pulled apart my bedframe, I cannot say I did it single handed, I had my brother help me, but it was done without alerting my father, I don't think he was to thrilled. I am re-doing my bedroom. It is not large enough to be the project I am looking for, but it is a start. I plan on learning to cook in the year of 2010, and I hope to figure out where I am headed, because even though I love people, the walls I have up are making for a lot of unwanted stress. Have a safe and happy New Year.
We just watched Julie & Julia, and it makes me realize I really need a project, and as much as I would like it, a boy is not a workable project. So my project is still undecided but it's something that will become. My mother's tombstone unveiling is tomorrow and I am dreading it completely. I am sure there will be people there who are going to ask me lots of questions, and frankly I just don't do well with those questions. The boy that was helping a lot has somewhat disappeared, and I feel bad saying it, but it's true, he has. We discussed it, but there is just a few speed bumps right now, so we are working on it. New Year's Eve will be interesting, I will be bringing my older cousin, and my two younger cousins to be with me to a party. The Support Group, as always, bothers me. I know it's supposed to be helpful, but all it does is agitate me, which helps nothing. In the uproar of anger that I was in the other day, I pulled apart my bedframe, I cannot say I did it single handed, I had my brother help me, but it was done without alerting my father, I don't think he was to thrilled. I am re-doing my bedroom. It is not large enough to be the project I am looking for, but it is a start. I plan on learning to cook in the year of 2010, and I hope to figure out where I am headed, because even though I love people, the walls I have up are making for a lot of unwanted stress. Have a safe and happy New Year.
Thanksgiving is a wonder
November 29, 2009
I make people think I’m a one woman army. I’m not. I’m just scared to share. When you’re young, your mother tells you, “Sharing is caring” well here’s the thing, you can share your heart in every way it can be shared, and then it gets thrown down the toilet. Your mom doesn’t tell you, “Remember the person you share with might accidentally on purpose destroy it.” This week was Thanksgiving our family sat around and said what we were grateful for. For the life of me I couldn’t think of anything, then my brother Tyler says. “I’m thankful for electricity.” Even though things aren’t really going the way I planned right now, there are always things to be thankful for. Boys will probably always be an issue, at least until they mature, like a fine wine. At the age of 16, or 17 no one really knows what they want, you may say forever, but by forever you mean 5 days. The things I’m grateful for include my wonderful family, my amazing friends, and the 16 years I had with my mother. I’m learning, just like everyone else is, the only thing that makes me and the 80 year old women in the nursing home next door, is that she has learned a little more than I have. I’m thankful I am a live and breathing.
I make people think I’m a one woman army. I’m not. I’m just scared to share. When you’re young, your mother tells you, “Sharing is caring” well here’s the thing, you can share your heart in every way it can be shared, and then it gets thrown down the toilet. Your mom doesn’t tell you, “Remember the person you share with might accidentally on purpose destroy it.” This week was Thanksgiving our family sat around and said what we were grateful for. For the life of me I couldn’t think of anything, then my brother Tyler says. “I’m thankful for electricity.” Even though things aren’t really going the way I planned right now, there are always things to be thankful for. Boys will probably always be an issue, at least until they mature, like a fine wine. At the age of 16, or 17 no one really knows what they want, you may say forever, but by forever you mean 5 days. The things I’m grateful for include my wonderful family, my amazing friends, and the 16 years I had with my mother. I’m learning, just like everyone else is, the only thing that makes me and the 80 year old women in the nursing home next door, is that she has learned a little more than I have. I’m thankful I am a live and breathing.
This is how it began
November 16, 2009
You know how sometimes you only do something because of that cute guy? Like going to the dentists 5 weeks in a row just to see him, even when you are absolutely terrified of the dentists? Or my favorite, go to the store everyday for a week just so you can go to his register and have a conversation? Well my mom died three months ago and tonight I started a grief therapy group. I REALLY didn’t want to go, I’m still not thrilled with the idea of group therapy, but as all things I don’t want to do surprise me, there was a cute boy there, who will keep me going for the next four sessions. And it may just be my excuse to go, cause I might actually have liked it, but I would never admit that. But here, let me catch you up on my life. Four years ago my mom got diagnosed with leukemia she went into remission and for 3 years she was doing wonderfully. September of last year she had a relapse, she was back in and out of the hospital until August 14, 2009, when she died. In between all of this, I’ve had my own ups and downs. Here’s the truth about me, I don’t have a filter, I blurt out whatever comes to mind, and usually it gets me in trouble. I don’t believe in war, I love music, and my mom is my hero. And I wont sit here and say I’m that amazing straight A student who does nothing bad, because that’s not true. I for sure don’t get straight A’s and usually I make the wrong decision. I’m sitting at my computer right now typing this because my aunt has inspired me to be her little investigator into the lives of teens today. I have a voice and I’m here to share it with everyone. So here it goes.
You know how sometimes you only do something because of that cute guy? Like going to the dentists 5 weeks in a row just to see him, even when you are absolutely terrified of the dentists? Or my favorite, go to the store everyday for a week just so you can go to his register and have a conversation? Well my mom died three months ago and tonight I started a grief therapy group. I REALLY didn’t want to go, I’m still not thrilled with the idea of group therapy, but as all things I don’t want to do surprise me, there was a cute boy there, who will keep me going for the next four sessions. And it may just be my excuse to go, cause I might actually have liked it, but I would never admit that. But here, let me catch you up on my life. Four years ago my mom got diagnosed with leukemia she went into remission and for 3 years she was doing wonderfully. September of last year she had a relapse, she was back in and out of the hospital until August 14, 2009, when she died. In between all of this, I’ve had my own ups and downs. Here’s the truth about me, I don’t have a filter, I blurt out whatever comes to mind, and usually it gets me in trouble. I don’t believe in war, I love music, and my mom is my hero. And I wont sit here and say I’m that amazing straight A student who does nothing bad, because that’s not true. I for sure don’t get straight A’s and usually I make the wrong decision. I’m sitting at my computer right now typing this because my aunt has inspired me to be her little investigator into the lives of teens today. I have a voice and I’m here to share it with everyone. So here it goes.
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