Forever?

Footsteps pounding, heartbeat racing, fear rising

You hear the voice that is said to do you no harm

you ask the question you already know the answer to, "Did she make it?" With a quick tear the voice says no

You can't cry, you can't even breathe. all you're able to do is stare. Stare into the nothingness that was once your everything.

Eventually the tears release, one by one they fall. With each tear apart of you leaves. The realization occurs. She is gone.

The phone calls begin, the doorbell is a constant back round noise. The hustle and bustle of people are no longer important, because the only footsteps you want to hear are gone.

The crowd begins to assemble. You preform the greatest mitzvah, the greatest good deed. Bury the dead. You slowly shovel 1, 2, 3 scoops of dirt onto the box of ashes that was once the person that gave you life. Your mother.

Piri Lanes 2/23/2010

Eloise

For those of you who don't know, my first car was a white Ford Explorer that we named Bruce. Bruce is very old and yesterday we sold him, well traded him in. We swapped him out for a black Honda Fit that we just named Eloise. She is perfect, she is small like me, and she is just wonderful. But I do miss Bruce, I cried when I gave over the keys.

On a separate note, my mothers sisters are planning a vacation for us girls. I am going to be careful how I word this because they read this.
Lately I have been having a hard time, for no reason in particular, but I am finding it hard for me to want to be apart of this trip, when I know this was something my mother always wanted us to do. I would have a wonderful time and I do not doubt that, but I would not like being there without her, and I am trying to figure out how to be apart of it, because I want to be. I want to be apart of her side, I want to have that connection, but I see her in them, and it makes it hard for me to be there. I do love them all with my entire heart, but I am unsure about everything right now...

New topic? OK! Well The Boy is The Boy, it is so unnerving to talk to him, I just want to yell at him most of the time. I don't I act like a perfect lady. But one of my friends from school, Kelsey, is trying to come out here and surprise me for my birthday. I know it doesn't sound like much of a surprise when I know about it, but it won't happen, so if it does it will be a HUGE surprise.

I love my aunts, I love my cousins, I love my entire family.

xoxo
Piri

Seriously?

It is another Wednesday afternoon at the Lanes house. Tyler is at piano, Jackson is at Hebrew school, Dad is with Natalie, and I just got home from tutoring.

Yesterday I had vocal rehearsal, the voice teacher Satyam, sells jewelry. I found a beautiful bracelet that I fell in love with. I bought it and the quote on it says, "When you see only one set of footprints, it was then I carried you." This is a bible quote, I'm Jewish, but I love it anyway! Valentines day was the six month mark for mom being gone. Last night I had a dream that she met The Boy, it was really nice.

I have a birthmark on my head that isn't causing to much panic to the doctors, but I am having it removed, I will be sedated and getting, I believe 18 or so stitches. They are shaving part of my head, and I will have a crescent moon shaped scar (I'm kind of excited for it).

Well I must go work on the history packet, I will drop in later to fully elaborate on my life!

xoxo
Piri

Gonna Live and Die N-F-T-Y

A journey of 1,000 miles begins with the first step. I will never get over the death of my mother, but i will learn to cope and breathe without her here. This past weekend I went on a youth group retreat, it was the most fun I've had in a long time. Yes there were a few times where I cried, but my wonderful friends just held me and let me cry, they knew it was cleansing. I have become back in contact with the boy, and I'm not sure how I feel about it, he acts as if all is good, and it worries me. What if the situation were reversed an I was the girlfriend, I keep thinking about it like that. If I were stronger I would call him out on it and end it right here, but the truth is, he is a familiar face, a face that has caused me pain, but also a lot of joy and laughter. I'm scared to lose him. My NFTY weekend was amazing, I had a blast. I hung out with my greatest friends, I had a really good time. It was hard packing up and leaving, and coming back to reality where everything sucks, but it wasn't as bad as I had expected. I assumed I would fight with dad about going to school this morning, but I didn't, I just got up and did what I needed to do. There are little things through out my day which remind me of my childhood, which in turn reminds me of mom. For instance today I crunched on dry leaves outside school, and it made me remember the fall afternoons with mom, and really made me miss her, but I hope that wherever she is, she isn't in pain, and she knows that we miss her dearly.

Forgetfulness is my middle name. not really.

Well I am fully aware that I have not posted in a few weeks. Let me catch you up, everything has become stressful. I took my SAT's, I NEED to clean my room, I dyed my hair, I got a gym membership, I have three solo's in the show Treasure Island, and I haven't spoken to the boy in 2 or so weeks. But I must admit I do sometimes facebook stalk him. I went to an acupuncturist and she was very nice. So Valentines Day is just around the corner, what's everyone's plans? My friend Rachel is a planning a not valentines day party. Hope everyone has a good week, and I will be back with a more in depth overview very soon. xoxo